


Tears of Mourning Sink Beneath the Sun

by PanButNotPeter



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, M/M, Mentions of off-page Finn/Rachel & Brody/Rachel, canon infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 21:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1280182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PanButNotPeter/pseuds/PanButNotPeter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scenes from Kurt’s complicated life during the two weeks following Blaine’s disastrous trip to New York.</p><p>“If I can’t trust my heart to a guy who says I’m the love of his life and means it, then how can I trust my heart to anyone?”</p><p>[Originally posted to LiveJournal on October 18, 2012. Canon compliant through The Break Up.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I spent an unhealthy amount of time thinking about how Kurt’s life could change after 4x04, and this thing is the result. The story focuses on Kurt, but I tried to be really fair in my handling of other characters (like Blaine). Title comes from the lyrics to Madonna’s song Ray of Light, which plays a minor (and totally ridiculous) role in the story.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Depression. A little bit of masturbation and shenanigans. Lots of well-meaning invasiveness and long heartfelt conversations.

 

“ _He wasn’t at the tire shop either. Did you try texting him again?_ ”

“Yes, Rachel, I tried. Eight times. He’s still not answering any of my calls either. Where are you now?”

“ _Just driving around. Feeling like the biggest idiot in the world, because there’s no way I can miss my classes tomorrow, so if I don’t track him down before my return flight then I’ve spent a lot of time and money on this for nothing._ ”

A pang of guilt shoots through Kurt, compounding the sick feeling of his sorrow. He presses his cell phone into his ear a little harder, wraps his blankets around himself a little tighter.

After Finn snuck out of the apartment, Kurt had thought briefly about waking Rachel up so she could run after him if she wanted to – but he’d seen the look in his brother’s eyes, conflicted and brimming with defeat. He wanted to respect Finn’s wish to have time alone to process things. Then, an hour later, Rachel woke up to find Finn long gone. When Kurt confirmed that Finn hadn’t even left a note for her, she cried furious tears that tore right into Kurt’s already-broken heart. He instantly regretted his decision to let her sleep through Finn’s escape from New York.

And now, if this impromptu quest to Ohio that Rachel’s on turns out to be fruitless, Kurt knows he’ll regret that decision even more.

“You’re not an idiot,” he assures her. “Don’t think like that. You’re a good person, going out of your way to say everything face-to-face instead of breaking up with him in an angry voicemail. You’re being admirable.”

“ _Even if I tried to say everything in a voicemail, who knows if he would even listen to it._ ”

“I wish I could do something else, but the only thing I can think of… Do you want me to call Carole? See if she knows where he went?”

“ _No, I don’t want to drag your parents into this. I already feel bad enough asking_ you _to get involved._ ”

Another pang of guilt. “It’s fine,” he says quickly. “I’m used to being the intermediary for you two. Or trying to be, at least.”

“ _And I appreciate it,_ ” Rachel replies, sounding on the verge of frustrated tears once again. “ _I just don’t… I don’t understand how he thinks anymore. Lately everything he does confuses me._ ”

Kurt doesn’t know what to say to that. A vague humming noise of sympathy and understanding is all that comes out of him, because he’s been feeling the same way about Blaine and it hurts too much to put into words.

Kurt used to be able to guess what Blaine was thinking just by the way his mouth curved or the way his long eyelashes fluttered. Now Kurt has no clue. He wonders what his boyfriend thought about before choosing to cheat on him. He wonders if Blaine considered the risk of destroying their entire relationship and decided it was worth it.

His eyes squeeze shut against the sting of fresh tears.

“ _Oh, but maybe… maybe I do understand. I think I know where he is._ ”

“Really? Where is—?”

“ _I’ll call you back before my flight leaves._ ”

Rachel hangs up abruptly and Kurt sighs, dropping his phone onto the bed beside him and numbly blinking up at the high ceiling.

It occurs to him that everyone he loves is more than 500 miles away, and he’s by himself in a cavernous apartment, surrounded by the creaking of old pipes, the low hum of the refrigerator, and unbearable stillness. He thinks about going out – just wandering the city for a while to distract himself – but his body feels so heavy and worn out. He doesn’t want to move, but he doesn’t want to be alone with his thoughts either. Ultimately, the most appealing option is to put life on hold by inserting his earplugs and falling asleep.

~~~~~

_“I can’t believe he just left,” Rachel muttered into Kurt’s chest. “I never thought of him as the kind of man who would just run away.”_

_“Finn’s bravery comes and goes,” Kurt replied, speaking into the hair on the crown of her head. She had finally stopped crying a while ago and rested her cheek against his pajama shirt where it was wet from her tears. Kurt kept on hugging her and swaying her gently as they spoke with hushed, scratchy voices. “It’s always been that way, but you just… most of the time you just choose to see the best in him.”_

_“You’re right,” she whispered brokenly, and for the first time that morning there was an undercurrent of anger in her words. “I don’t know why I’m surprised, after four months of being frozen out of his life. I can’t go on with our relationship like this.”_

_A flutter of fabric caught Kurt’s attention, and he shifted his gaze to where Blaine was suddenly standing, holding aside the curtains surrounding Kurt’s bedroom area and silently watching them embrace. He looked sleep-rumpled and beautiful and smaller somehow, hesitant and sort of hunched in on himself. Kurt swallowed roughly and nuzzled his chin against Rachel’s scalp._

_His eyes never left Blaine as he said, “You shouldn’t have to. You deserve a man who thinks about your feelings as much as his own, and maybe Finn can’t be that man for you right now. I know he loves you, but if he can’t deal with you having a good life here that he doesn’t neatly fit into, then it might be time to—”_

_He was cut off by the sound of Blaine’s bare foot stepping onto a loose floorboard, making it scrape loudly against the surrounding boards. Rachel jerked out of Kurt’s grasp and Blaine winced. She looked back and forth between them for a moment before settling her eyes on Kurt’s face and giving him an apologetic little smile, like she was just then remembering that Kurt was dealing with his own relationship problems as well._

_“I’ll go get breakfast started while you two talk,” she offered quietly, then stepped into the kitchen area, leaving Kurt and Blaine staring at each other in the tense silence that followed._

_“You’re an amazing friend,” Blaine said a few difficult seconds later. “She’s really lucky to have you here with her.”_

_Hesitantly, Blaine took a few strides forward. When he stopped moving, there was still at least five feet of space between them. To Kurt, it felt too far away and too close at the same time. He wrapped his arms around himself and took a steadying breath._

_“I’m lucky to have her, too. It’s helped, having her with me when I miss… when I get lonely.”_

_Blaine nodded and looked down at his feet, clearly feeling shamed. When he looked back up, his eyes were bright with tears. He opened his mouth and closed it again, then eventually said, “Do you think they’ll be okay?”_

_It obviously wasn’t the question Blaine had really wanted to ask._

_“I think…” Kurt began, then paused, overcome by the weight of what he was about to say, because it was an answer he could give about his own relationship as well. “I think maybe they’ve gone too far in opposite directions to make things work right now, no matter how much they want it to.”_

_Blaine_ _let out a huff of breath like he’d just been punched in the stomach. His eyes went wide and pleading, and Kurt knew he understood the double meaning behind those words._

_“Kurt, please, if I could take it back—”_

_“Please don’t finish that sentence,” Kurt cut him off in a choked whisper, involuntarily clenching his arms so tight around his ribs that it began to hurt. “You_ can’t _take it back, and it’s too painful to think about hypotheticals right now.”_

 _Kurt closed his eyes, breathed, opened them again, and looked at Blaine._ Really _looked at him. He waited for Blaine to try a different tactic, try to defend his actions again, try to fix things – anything. But Blaine just seemed lost. He was looking right back at Kurt, looking small and broken and confused, and he couldn’t say anything to make Kurt forget what he did._

_When Kurt finally spoke again, his voice was much stronger._

_“I couldn’t stay in that bed with you. I invited you into it, didn’t make you sleep on the couch, because part of me was convinced that if I could just lay next to you for awhile and remember all of the good things…” Kurt trailed off, not wanting to go down that wishful line of thinking too far again. He shook his head. “But after you fell asleep, I watched you, and it just… I could only think of awful things. So I got up and sat in here, and I was awake all night thinking – trying to figure out what I’d say to you when you woke up. I had this silly hope that you’d walk in here and make me new promises, and I’d fall into your arms, and we’d make things okay again somehow. But I’m looking at you now… and I see your pain, and part of me wants to just hold you until we both feel better… but mostly what I see when I look at you now is – someone else touching you… and being touched by you… and I don’t know when I’ll be able to look at you without thinking about it.”_

_The tears in Blaine’s eyes spilled over, and he made a small choked-off sound like an aborted sob. “Are we breaking up?”_

_“I haven’t figured that out yet. I need time, Blaine. I need to accept what happened and assess how it changes things. When I said I want to grow old with you, I meant it. I spent the last two years doodling our names in hearts and imagining you as my husband. I don’t know if I’m ready to let that go. And I love you just as much as I always have, but I can’t… I can’t be around you right now. I need you to leave—”_

Kurt startles awake when his body moves without warning, shifting slightly with the motion of the mattress as it dips beside him. His eyes snap open and he sees Rachel – dressed in pajamas and looking exhausted after her roundtrip to Lima – crawling into his nest of blankets and lying down beside him. Her mouth moves but her voice is muffled and far-off, the words impossible to make out. Still disoriented from his hasty return to consciousness, he doesn’t realize it’s because of his earplugs until she plucks one out of his nearest ear.

“I tried calling you before my flight left and you didn’t answer,” she says gently, leaning across him to remove his other earplug while she’s at it.

“Oh,” is all he can think to say. Groggily, he takes the earplugs from her and drops them onto his bedside table, then gropes around in the bedding until he unearths his cell. Six missed calls flash on the screen – three from Rachel, two from his father, and one from Finn. He’s been asleep for about four hours. It’s almost midnight. With a groan of frustration, he drops the phone again and rolls onto his side to lie facing her. “ _Crap_. I’m sorry if I worried you.”

“I wasn’t worried before. I figured you were just out or something. But I’m worried _now_.” She reaches up and delicately trails the tips of her fingers beneath his eyes, smearing the dampness collected there. “You were crying in your sleep. Bad dream?”

Kurt nods but doesn’t explain. He doesn’t want to rehash those memories of the last time he saw Blaine. She already knows the story anyway. He changes the subject instead.

“Tell me about your trip. Did you find him?”

She launches into the tale of how she tracked Finn down, said her piece, then ended their relationship amicably. By the time she finishes, her voice is strained and her eyes are a little bright, but when Kurt opens his mouth to ask about her emotional state she shakes her head and beats him to it.

“I’m okay, Kurt. Really. I spent four months learning how to live without him in my life. It’s sad to be broken up officially, but… in a weird way it’s also a relief. No more questions about what he’s doing or where we stand. No more second guessing my feelings. It… it helps a lot that it wasn’t sudden.”

“I’m sure it also helps that you have another handsome gentleman waiting in the wings to sweep you off your feet,” Kurt adds.

For a moment Rachel looks shocked, like she thinks he’s accusing her of doing something wrong, but then she sees his sly little knowing smile. She smiles back as a current of understanding passes between them.

“Well. Brody had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup. But, yes, that’s… nice,” she says, biting her lip and curling in closer to Kurt’s body. “I’m glad to see you’re still being adorably unsubtle in your Brody cheerleading, by the way. All this time you’ve been encouraging me to embrace my freedom, but I was still a little worried that you’d take Finn’s side in the end.”

“Come here,” Kurt says, rolling back into his original position, flat his back, and opening his arms in invitation. He waits until she has her head settled on his chest before he closes his arms around her shoulders and continues. “Listen to me, Rachel Berry: You’re a sister to me, whether you end up with my brother or not. It doesn’t change how much I love you – how much I love _both_ of you. And of course I want you both to be happy, but… honestly? I’ve been hoping you’d move on, even if it hurts him. You deserve to enjoy every part of your life here.”

She exhales a long breath and fists her hand into his dark henley, curling her fingers against his abdomen. “Thank you, Kurt. I feel the exact same way about you. All of it. I love you, and I want you to be happy here. Whatever that involves.”

The declaration sits heavy between them for a beat before Kurt speaks again.

“Do you think I should move on, too? Break up with Blaine?” he asks quietly.

It takes Rachel a while to answer, as though she’s very carefully weighing her words. Eventually she says, “When I found out Finn slept with Santana, it was devastating – even though we weren’t together when he did it. It wasn’t really cheating. And when I try to imagine him sleeping with someone else while we were in a committed, sexually active relationship… I can’t even image how I’d feel about it. So I know that what you’re going through right now must be earth-shattering.”

“That’s an appropriate description of what it feels like, yes,” he whispers.

 _Earth-shattering_. Like he’s being split right down the middle through his chest. Like the force of it could split the whole damn world in the process of ruining him.

They fall into a sad but comfortable silence for several long minutes after that. He doesn’t mention that she never really answered his question about what he should do. He’s not sure he’s ready to hear her answer to that, anyway.

“If you take him back, do you think—” Rachel begins again suddenly, haltingly, like she’s afraid of pushing Kurt too hard but she just _has_ to ask. “Could you trust him to never do it again?”

“That’s what I’ve been torturing myself over the most,” Kurt admits.

He knows he’ll forgive Blaine eventually, because he’s forgiven much worse things done to him by people he cared about much less. He’s just not the kind of person who can carry around a poisonous grudge for long. But _trusting_ Blaine completely again is so much harder to envision.

“When I think about what it would do to me if he broke my heart a second time, I feel like I’m gonna—” he breaks off, not knowing how to finish that thought without alarming her. He starts over. “I never, ever thought this would happen – but, god, the risk that it could happen _again_ is so real to me now that it’s happened once.” He swallows roughly and clenches his jaw, trying to find words for the flipside of his thoughts. “On the other hand… thinking of a future without him in it… that hurts too. So I have to figure out which risk is worse.”

She nods, nuzzling the side of her face against his shirt as she does. “I get it. But I hate that you have to think about your future like that now. In terms of what would probably hurt less in the long run.”

Kurt hates it too.

She’s quiet again for a while, and he can tell that she’s debating whether she should keep trying to drag answers out of him. Her hands are fidgeting restlessly against him.

“Go ahead and ask whatever you want, Rachel,” he says, squeezing her gently. “I’m not going to have a breakdown on you, I promise.”

She tilts her face up to flash a relieved smile at him. A moment later, her expression is serious again – a combination of curiosity and somberness.

“Does Blaine know about all the guys you’ve turned down since you got here?”

Kurt scoffs. “Saying it like that makes it sound like there’s been a lot.”

“Does he?” Rachel presses.

Kurt gives her the best shrug he can manage in the position he’s in. “Not exactly. It never seemed important enough to mention on our limited Skype dates,” Kurt explains. None of those other guys were ever a real threat to their relationship, so Kurt hadn’t want to upset Blaine over nothing – especially after how he had reacted to Chandler’s texts. Kurt sighs and adds, “But that night, after he confessed… I told him I’ve had temptations. Nothing specific.”

“Hmmm.”

“Why do you ask?”

“Just curious,” Rachel responds too quickly, too deliberately nonchalant to be true.

“Uh-huh,” Kurt says drily, and waits for her to make the big point she’s setting him up for.

“You know what really helped me accept what Finn did at that train station?” she begins thoughtfully a minute later, “More than anything, it was meeting new people here, and realizing that there might be other options for me – if Finn never came back to me. When I met Brody, I thought: _Maybe_. You know? Maybe there are men out there who could fall in love with me – who would never crack eggs over my head to humiliate me, or cut me off on our wedding day without warning. And I felt guilty for thinking about that at the time, because when I met Brody I was still clinging so hard to the hope that Finn would come find me and tell me he was ready for us to get married and start our lives here together. But the more time I spent with Brody, the more I thought: maybe lots of men will fall in love with me throughout my life – _especially_ once I’m a huge star – and even though none of them will ever be Finn, maybe one of them will be worthy of my love in return.”

He rolls his eyes fondly and lifts a hand to stroke through her hair.

“I have to believe that’s true, Kurt,” she goes on, her voice softer now. “And I know it’s hard for you to see it right now, but the same is true for you. I see the way men look at you everywhere we go. Don’t give me that look, you know they do. Just last week, one of the guys who delivered our partition bookcase got all moon-eyed and asked me to give you his number.”

Kurt’s hand freezes in its path through Rachel’s dark curls, and he jerks his chin down to his chest, gaping at her. “Really?”

“Yep.”

“The friendly, heavily-tattooed one who looked like Ryan Gosling-at-his-buffest?” Kurt guesses. Rachel nods in confirmation, and Kurt smiles a little in spite of himself. “Huh.”

“I told him that you’re in a… _were_ in a… um. Well, I told him that you weren’t interested. He was _really_ disappointed,” Rachel says pointedly. “And I know you’ve gotten more… _direct_ offers than that. This city is full of men who would line up for a chance to be with you.”

Rachel gives him a victorious look, like she’s just made an irrefutable point, but Kurt’s small smile has vanished now. He shakes his head.

“The chance to have sex with me, you mean.”

“Well—”

“That isn’t what I need, Rachel, it isn’t the same. Being wanted because I look young and naïve and because I’m conveniently _easier to spot_ than a lot of other gay men isn’t the same as being cherished and respected and safe. It isn’t an acceptable substitute for someone promising to love me forever. I’m not going to find devotion in a guy who tries to pinch my ass in line at Starbucks or a guy who catcalls me on the sidewalk.”

“I know,” Rachel says soothingly, rubbing her hand slowly over his stomach like he’s an agitated kitten. “But there are lots of decent guys. A few wonderful guys, too. And you can find one.”

Kurt realizes there are tears on his face again, and doesn’t remember when he started crying. “I thought I already had,” he whispers. “If I can’t trust my heart to a guy who says I’m the love of his life and _means_ it, then how can I trust my heart to _anyone_?”

When Blaine had been so patient with Kurt for all those months, Kurt thought for sure that he had found the most wonderful boy in the world to be everything he needed. Blaine was someone who cared enough about Kurt’s feelings to delay his own desires for Kurt’s comfort – and so Kurt had been convinced that Blaine would _always_ think of Kurt as being worthy of waiting for. That was why Kurt had been so positive that they could make a long distance relationship work. He thought all the time apart, all the delayed gratification, would be painful but manageable – for both of them.

He’d been wrong about that, though. So, so wrong in the end. And Kurt never, ever wants to be wrong about that again, so it’s easier to not think about getting involved with someone new. Not yet, at least.

Rachel is smart enough to drop the subject.

“Is it okay if I sleep in here tonight?” she asks softly. “It’s been a while since we had a sleepover.”

Kurt knows she’s mostly asking for his benefit, reluctant to leave him alone again so soon after being out of town. Somehow she instinctively understands that he needs her right now – so he doesn’t have to say out loud how grateful he is for her warm, petite frame pressing down on his torso, or her chilly little toes tickling against the hair on his ankles. He just stays quiet, squeezes her a little tighter, lets her adjust her position until it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, and listens to her breaths slowly even out.

~~~~~

Kurt knows for sure that Rachel is alright, because the next morning she’s back to her typical morning routine, waking up at 6:00am for her morning protein shake and cardio.

While she huffs and puffs though her dance routine in the living area, Kurt lies in bed scrolling through the visual voicemail menu on his phone, remembering the missed calls from his dad and Finn the night before. He taps his finger on the first message from his dad.

“ _Hey, kiddo, it’s your old man. Just calling to see how you’re doin’ out there. Haven’t heard from ya in a few days, since that all-nighter you pulled at work. I know you’re busy, so don’t worry about callin’ all the time, but… well. I miss you, Kurt. And I love you, and I’m just so, so proud of you. Gimme a call back when it’s a good time for you, alright?_ ”

Kurt’s lower lip trembles a little as he sniffles delicately and taps the second message, which was recorded less than an hour later.

“ _So, I just talked to your brother. I mentioned I wasn’t able to reach you earlier, and he told me… what the reason for it might be. I’m… I’m so sorry. I wish I could… Look, I want you to know that I won’t try to force you to talk about it when you call if you’re not ready to, I get it, but this whole thing does sorta… complicate a situation we’ve got comin’ up here on Wednesday, and it’d help if I could know how you feel about it one way or the other before I decide what to do about it. So, just… call me when you get this, if you can._ ”

A wave of cold dread washes through Kurt’s limbs. He isn’t sure what his dad is talking about with the Wednesday situation, but he’s sure it won’t be a pleasant topic of conversation, whatever it is.

He taps the final message.

“ _Uh, hey, Kurt. Thought I should give you a heads up that Burt knows about what happened. It sorta slipped out. I don’t know if you wanted him to know or not, since stuff with you and Blaine is kinda undecided, and I know you won’t want your dad hating your boyfriend if you two stay together, but uh… yeah. I’m sorry. I’m sure Burt’ll be cool about it, though. He just wants what’s best for you. I mean, we all do – What, mom? Oh. Yeah, okay – Kurt, mom says to say ‘hi’ and she loves you. So, um. That’s it. Later, little brother._ ”

Kurt groans, rubs at his puffy eyes, then quickly types out a text to Finn:

_Not upset with you. It’s fine. I was expecting him to ask you what we did on your visit and figured you’d tell him what a disaster it was. Hope you’re doing okay. Rachel’s sad but knows she made the right choice for you both. Glad to hear it ended well. Call me on my lunch break if you need to talk about it._

After sending the text, he lays still for a few minutes, thinking about what he wants to say to his dad about all of this. When he feels strong enough, he dials, then sucks in a sharp breath when Burt answers on the second ring.

“ _Mornin’, kiddo._ ”

As nervous as Kurt is about this conversation, it still feels so good to hear his dad’s voice saying good morning to him. He rolls onto his side and curls into a ball, the way he did as a child, rolled up between his mom and dad during thunderstorms. “Hi, dad,” he replies unsteadily.

“ _You, uh… you holdin’ up alright?_ ”

Kurt’s chest aches at how careful his dad is being with him. “Trying my best,” he replies, steadier than before.

“ _If you need anything, you let me know. You hear me? Anything. If you need a little extra cash because you went on one of your shopping therapy binges, or if you just need to talk…_ ”

Kurt is reminded again that he really does have the best dad in the world. He’s fortunate in a lot of ways, no matter how unhappy he is right now. It helps to keep that in mind.

“Thank you, dad, that’s – that’s really sweet of you,” he says. He’s deeply grateful, but he also has a feeling he’s being softened up for the bomb Burt is about to drop. Probably best to get to the point sooner rather than later. “What’s the Wednesday situation you were talking about in the voicemail?”

“ _Ah, that._ ” Burt says. Kurt can hear the extreme discomfort in his tone now. “ _About a week ago Blaine called. He said he could, uh… use a new activity to keep him busy, and asked if he could come in and help at the garage this week, on the one day he didn’t already have an after school club meeting scheduled. I have a Congress session Tuesday, but I’ll be back in Lima by Wednesday afternoon to supervise progress at the shop, so… when he asked, I said it was okay._ ”

“… Oh,” Kurt says. He imagines his dad hanging out with Blaine at the shop, working on cars or inventory together, and he feels like the wind has been knocked out of him.

“ _If it bugs you—_ ”

“Dad, it’s – it’s fine,” Kurt interrupts quickly, trying to control the tremor in his voice. It’s really, really _not_ fine. He doesn’t want to be dealing with this right now, but he pushes on. “I know you can use all the help you can get down at the garage now that you can’t be there very often. If he comes down there, though… he might try to talk to you about… things. About our relationship.” Burt lets out a huff that sounds almost like a scoff, and Kurt suspects that he’s remembering the very first time Blaine swept into Hummel Tires and Lube to confront Burt about Kurt’s feelings and personal issues, shortly before they started dating. Kurt’s frown deepens as he continues, “Just… if you let him come down, please don’t talk to him about me. I know that might be… awkward, but I’m sure Blaine will understand.”

Burt sighs heavily down the line. “ _Look. If what Finn says is true – about what Blaine did – then I’m not gonna lie to you, Kurt, I’m not real crazy about the idea of spending quality time with him right now. But I didn’t wanna make things worse for you by callin’ him up and saying that I don’t want him around. If that’s what you want me to do, though – believe me, I’m happy to do it. So the question is: Do you want me to make an effort to spend time with him still? Or no?_ ”

“I… don’t want to deprive you of a willing worker,” Kurt hedges.

“ _The garage is doing fine_ ,” Burt says, firm.

“Yes, but—”

“ _Kurt. Did he break your heart?_ ”

“… Yes.”

“ _And are you gonna try to move past it just because you love him like crazy? Or are you gonna dump him?_ ”

“I haven’t… there hasn’t been an official breakup yet. I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”

Kurt’s head is spinning. He isn’t any closer to making a decision about that yet. He can’t even make a decision about what he wants his dad to tell Blaine about their Wednesday plans, so how can he possibly make a decision about the rest of his life?

“And you… you said you care about Blaine,” Kurt continues uncertainly. It used to make him so happy to think about how welcome Blaine has been in their home. Now it hurts to bring it up, but it seems relevant to the conversation. An unpleasant feeling settles in Kurt’s stomach, not unlike the feeling he had when his dad first started wanting to spend more time with Finn. “You told us Blaine is like a third son to you.”

“ _Yeah, well…_ ” Burt says, sounding even more uncomfortable than before. “ _When I said that… I said it after you kids had spent a year makin’ me pretty damn certain that you were on track to make him my son-in-law in the near future. You acted like he was already part of the family, so we all treated him that way. But if what he did changes those plans for you, then my feelings are gonna change too. Hell, they’re gonna change a little no matter what, but this is between the two of you._ ”

“I see,” Kurt answers, trying and failing to not sound so relieved.

“ _I’ll respect whatever you decide, Kurt, but just remember what I said about how much you matter, alright? That’s all I’m gonna say. I won’t try to sway you one way or the other._ ”

“Okay,” Kurt whispers, overwhelmed. “Thank you, dad.”

Two hours after ending the call with his dad, Kurt is getting ready to walk out the door and begin his long commute into the city when he gets a text:

_hey. burt asked me 2 take care of it. i found blaine b4 1st period and I said that him hangin out with ur dad might not b good 4 u rite now. he lookd upset but he said he wont come 2 the shop cuz he doesnt wanna make things harder 4 u. call u l8r bro_

Kurt feels a painful throb in his chest, but he ignores it, sending back a quick text – _Thanks_ – before sliding open the apartment door and stepping out.

~~~~~

“No flowers today, huh? Did you accept Cutest Guy’s apology for whatever he did wrong, or did you cut him loose?” Chase asks, crossing his arms and leaning his body heavily against the entryway to Kurt’s small, tucked-away workspace. In the perfectly tailored suit Chase is wearing, his relaxed pose has the effect of making him look even more dashing and effortlessly appealing than usual.

Kurt hardly notices, though. He glances over at his trash can, where the slightly-wilted remains of yesterday’s bouquet lay scattered amongst crumpled memos and scrapped article ideas. Flowers had been delivered to the office for three business days in a row, each batch with a card attached, each card scrawled with a more desperate plea for forgiveness than the last.

He hasn’t replied to any of them yet, because what can he say? _The flowers are beautiful but it hurts to look at them and I still haven’t decided if I can be with you again_? That would be the only apt response, but he can’t bring himself to send it. He knows that Blaine’s holding out for a reply that accepts his apologies, but Kurt can’t give him that either.

Chase is looking at Kurt expectantly, his head tilted a little and his parted lips slightly curved into a questioning smile. Kurt lifts one shoulder for a halfhearted shrug.

“I think he stopped sending them because he realized I’m not capable of forgiving him yet, and no amount of roses could hasten the healing process.”

“Ah. Let me guess. Cheating bastard, am I right?”

Kurt frowns at the description, because he doesn’t think Blaine is a bastard, even though the cheating part is accurate. His throat is suddenly too closed-up for him to correct half of Chase’s guess, though. He simply nods, a single terse bob of his head.

“Well, for the record, any guy who’d cheat on you is a crazy idiot,” Chase says simply.

Again, Kurt’s first instinct is to correct him, to argue with him, because Blaine is neither insane nor idiotic. Blaine is smart and talented and caring – and that makes it so much worse, because Kurt has spent a very long time battling with his quiet insecurities and the voice in his head that sometimes tells him Blaine could be with someone better than Kurt. And now, for all Kurt knows, maybe Blaine _has_ been with someone better. Because someone was able to tempt Blaine away from Kurt after only a few weeks apart, and Kurt can’t help feeling like that says as much about him as it does about Blaine.

It’s so much harder to battle with those insecurities now.

But Chase is giving Kurt this smile – wide and warm, full of big white teeth and sincerity – and it makes Kurt swallow down his bitter disagreement with Chase’s flattery.

Kurt shakes his head a little and refocuses on the papers in front of him.

“Isabelle just left for a long meeting. She asked me to remind you that your lunch with that eccentric photographer, Gustav, has been moved from Le Bernardin to Mustang Cafe upon Gustav’s request because he ‘needed a less formal setting.’ Apparently he’s allergic to sophistication.”

“Right,” Chase laughs. For a moment his eyes roam appreciatively over Kurt’s judgmental expression, from the high arch of Kurt’s eyebrow to the disapproving purse of Kurt’s lips. “You know, I could really use your help getting ready. I have to leave in half an hour, and I’m a little overdressed for Mustang Cafe. Wanna come to the closet and play Dress-Up with me?”

A startled giggle erupts from Kurt at the suggestion. It’s the first real, completely genuine laugh he’s let out in almost a week, and his hand immediately shoots up to cover his mouth in surprise. Chase gives Kurt a charming smirk, like that was exactly the reaction he was aiming for. Something about that smirk flips a switch inside of Kurt. He’s shocked to find himself feeling playful, but he decides to just go with it. He lifts an eyebrow again and stands up gracefully.

“Don’t look so pleased with yourself, Madison,” Kurt sasses breezily. “You have no idea what you’ve just signed yourself up for.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to find out,” Chase says, voice pitched low as he leans towards Kurt.

Kurt smirks right back and brushes past him, leading the way to the extravagant closet.

Twenty five minutes and three outfit changes later, they’ve found a casual-yet-classy ensemble they both agree on. Kurt has his back turned while Chase finishes dressing himself for the final time, even though Chase noticeably had not asked Kurt for privacy while stripping down.

“Alright, I’m ready for inspection,” Chase announces.

Kurt turns around, looks Chase up and down, then makes a big show of rolling his eyes.

“That’s not the way that scarf is designed to be draped,” he chides.

“You do it, then,” Chase says around a vibrant chuckle. He spreads his arms straight out to his sides in invitation then tips his head backwards, extending his neck and exposing more of it to Kurt’s scrutiny.

Kurt fights back a small smile and – with a heavily exaggerated sigh – steps into Chase’s personal space to begin fussing with the long scarf, arranging it artfully around Chase’s stubbled throat and strong shoulders.

When Chase tilts his head back down, Kurt automatically looks up to meet his dark stare, and gets distracted by how prominent Chase’s freckles are when they’re standing so close. He quickly forces his gaze back down to his fingers, watching them cautiously as they toy with the fabric, trying not to let them brush directly against Chase’s neck. Kurt isn’t sure why it feels like that kind of casual skin-on-skin contact would be a big deal. He decides not to think about it too much.

“You have an incredible eye, you know,” Chase says, voice soft. It has an almost intimate quality. “Excellent taste.”

“I know,” Kurt replies lightly, trying to get them back to playful banter.

Chase laughs again, but this time it’s quiet and close, and Kurt involuntarily curls his fingers into the scarf for a second before quickly smoothing it back out.

“Good, you’re confident about it. You should be. You’ve got a lot of raw talent. I understand why Isabelle hired you without any formal education or experience in the industry. If I were in her position, I would’ve been eager to take you under my wing, too. Snatch you up before some other executive does.”

A flush of pleasure blooms high in Kurt’s cheeks at Chase’s earnest praise. He clears his throat awkwardly and steps back several paces. “There. That looks much better, doesn’t it?”

Chase turns to look in one of the tall mirrors and nods approvingly. “You’re right. I’m not surprised.” He moves in again, lays a hand on Kurt’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “Thanks,” he murmurs with a wink, then heads out for his scheduled business lunch.

Kurt wanders back to his desk, feeling happier than he’d ever expected to feel so soon after his estrangement from Blaine. There’s a cheeky little grin pulling at his lips as he gathers up his things to go on his own lunch break.

Just as he’s about to leave, his cell chirps with an incoming text, and his mood completely deflates as he reads it.

_hey kurt. im guessing smthing bad happened w/ you and blaine. i dont know if this is smthing you want to see or not but i thought i should film and send it anyway... just in case it helps. miss you!!! hope youre doing well in ny! xoxo love tina_

Attached to the message is a video of Blaine singing in the choir room, sitting at the piano to accompany himself for a stripped-down, highly emotional interpretation of _Criminal_. The way Blaine practically chokes out the lyrics reminds Kurt too much of _Teenage Dream_ on that horrible night.

“ _I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins. I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true, and I just don't know where I can begin_ ,” Blaine belts out, voice quavering beyond his control. “ _What I need is a good defense, 'cause I'm feelin' like a criminal, and I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against, because he's all I ever knew of love_ …”

Kurt closes out of the video and deletes it, blinking rapidly and breathing unevenly. He refuses to cry at work. He can’t be too vulnerable here, he reminds himself. They’ll eat him alive.

He pretends not to notice when Chase returns from his lunch meeting. He keeps his head down for the rest of the day, staying too busy to think much about how broken Blaine had sounded while singing about a redemption he hasn’t earned.

~~~~~

Over the next few days, Kurt finds that he’s mostly doing alright – as long as he’s completely distracted. He can call Mercedes and demand that she spill every bit of music industry gossip she’s heard, every audition she’s been on, every date she’s had. He can try his hand at complicated new recipes and sketch designs for hours. And it all helps, for a while – until he’s alone with his thoughts, without any challenging external stimulus to engross his mind. Like late at night, shifting restlessly in his bed. Or in the early morning, while he’s showering…

As a result, waking up and getting ready are increasingly difficult tasks.

On the ninth morning after the last time Kurt saw Blaine, he finally manages to shower without crying under the warm spray. He still washes as quickly as possible and neglects to complete his full in-shower exfoliating regimen, but – for the first time in over a week – he feels angry and frustrated about it rather than purely feeling depressed.

He goes through his whole morning routine without being able to shake his volatile feelings. His breath comes out in irritated little puffs while he struggles to perfect the tall swoop of his hair. He jerks his clothing off the hangers much more roughly than he normally would. His trembling fingers fumble with the knot of his tie in a way they haven’t since he was little.

“Kuuurt! I got us breakfast from that cute little bakery we loooove!” Rachel calls out to him excitedly, sliding their apartment door closed one-handed with some difficulty before dropping an enormous box onto their dining table. “Cheesecake muffins for you and blueberry flax scones for me!”

Kurt gives himself a critical once-over in his full-length mirror before stepping out of his bedroom area.

“No time – gotta get to work,” he answers brusquely, grabbing his satchel off the couch and moving swiftly toward the door.

“Oh no, mister,” Rachel says, grabbing onto his arm when he tries to step past her. “You’re having muffins for breakfast and that’s final. I’ll pack some in a paper bag so you can eat them on the subway if you have to.”

“I’m _not hungry_ ,” he snaps at her, louder than he intended.

Her face is hurt and confused as she lets go of him and takes a step back. “Did I do something to make you angry?” she asks in a small voice.

Regret surges through him, but he can’t deal with it at the moment. “No, you didn’t. Sorry. It was nice of you to get me muffins,” Kurt sighs tiredly, as gently as he can manage with anger still pulsing hot through his veins.

“But you’re really upset about something,” she says. It isn’t a question, of course. “Talk to me. _Please_.”

Suddenly, the anger is gone. He looks into her big, wet eyes – so full of concern for him – and for a single moment all he wants to do is hold her and sob and tell her everything, no matter how scary and embarrassing it would be. He feels his face crumple for a second before he manages to school it back into a calm mask of professionalism. He can’t afford to have a long teary talk with her right before facing all his coworkers.

“I don’t have time to talk about this right now, I’m sorry.” His voice is strong and composed, except for how it breaks at the end.

Before Rachel can say anything else, Kurt flips open the lid of the bakery box, grabs one of the massive fat-filled muffins, kisses her cheek, and leaves.

~~~~~

When Kurt arrives back at the apartment nine hours later, he isn’t surprised to find Rachel waiting for him with three bags of greasy takeout.

“Spill it,” she demands the second he opens the door.

“Well hello to you, too. How was your day?” he says drily, walking right past her to his room.

“My day was wonderful,” she replies, standing up and following him through the divider drapes. “Except for how I spent the whole time thinking about the look on your face this morning right before you ran out.” She flops down on his bed and gives him a sharp look as he begins to change out of his work clothes. “And your day?”

“My day was fine,” Kurt sighs, unable to hide his agitation as he yanks off his tie and kicks off his shoes. “Except for how I spent the whole time dreading this conversation.”

“By _why_?” Rachel asks, and there’s something pleading in her voice even though her tone is firm. Kurt tries hard to focus on getting his shirt unbuttoned instead of looking at her. “I’m your best friend. We support each other. If you need to cry, I’m your shoulder. If you need _anything_ , I’m here – you _know_ I’d do practically anything for you. And right now I think what you need is to just talk to me, Kurt. I don’t know why you’ve reverted back to keeping all your feelings a secret from me, but I hate it, and it’s not going to help anything. So just… tell me. Please. Tell me _everything_. Starting with what set you off this morning.”

He slips his shirt off his shoulders and lays it across his bed, then stands still in his slacks and undershirt, staring down at his obnoxiously persistent roommate. “I… don’t know if it’s all stuff you’d be comfortable hearing,” he says at length, biting his lip. “If you were a guy it might be different, but… as close as we are, there are some things we don’t discuss.”

“Oh. Is it… is it a sex thing?”

“Um. In a way. That’s part of it.”

“Well just… say it. And if it’s awkward we’ll deal with it, it’s fine, just get it out of your system. I won’t freak out.”

Kurt’s cheeks are already burning before he can even begin to get the words out.

“Have you noticed that my showers are much shorter recently?”

“No,” she says. A confused little crease appears in her forehead as her eyebrows furrow in contemplation. “But now that you mention it…”

Kurt can tell the exact moment the realization hits her. He’s never seen her eyes go wider.

“Oh,” she squeaks. Her eyes flicker down to his crotch, then quickly look away from him entirely.

“God, this is embarrassing and pathetic and awful,” Kurt groans, hiding his face in his hands. “I don’t want to say it.”

“Come on, it’s fine,” she bravely continues to encourage him.

He hesitates for a second, but the idea is out there in the open now. She’s already got a mental image of him getting off in their shower. He might as well just let everything out.

“I haven’t had an orgasm since before Blaine was here,” he admits thickly, still pressing his hands over his eyes. “By now I’ve stopped even _trying_ to jerk off, because it’s just sad. Every time I’ve tried… I think of how much better Blaine’s hand always felt, and then I think of Blaine touching someone else that way, the way he knows _I_ like to be touched, and it’s just a vicious cycle of horrible, awful thoughts that I can’t break out of, and I spiral until I end up going soft and crying.” He feels so sick saying it out loud. He pauses, then amends, “Well, this morning I didn’t cry, I was just angry, but… yeah. That’s what set me off, basically. I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. And I’m sorry if you’re as embarrassed right now as I am.”

All at once Rachel is standing in front of him, pulling his hands away from his bright red face. Her face is a little flushed, too, but she gives him a profoundly sympathetic look and hugs him tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Kurt. It won’t always be like this. I’m sure you’ll… get your groove back any day now.”

Kurt snorts inelegantly at her phrasing. “I hope so. Sexual frustration and depression is a brutal combination. It’s doing dreadful things to my complexion.”

“Have you tried masturbating while reading erotica? Thinking about other people?” she suggests helpfully.

“Oh god,” he groans, burying his mortified face in her hair.

“You should. And if your hand isn’t working out for you right now, I have a vib—”

“ _Lalalalalalalala_!” he sings, covering his ears and trying to step back from her.

“Kurt! Don’t be a child,” she scolds him, grabbing at his wrists. “We’re bonding here.”

He gives her a flat, unimpressed look. “I love you, Rachel, and I’m all for Soul Sister bonding, but I’m gonna draw the line at sharing sex toys.”

“Even though it’s super clean and still just like new?” she wheedles.

“Well…” he says, drawing the word out. For one terribly pathetic, desperate moment in time, he’s so willing to try _anything_ to break his dry spell that he actually entertains the idea. Then he has a thought that brings that moment of lunacy to an end. “Wait. Have you used it with my brother?”

“Oh. Um.” She bites her lip like she’s trying not to laugh. “…Yes.”

“Then _no_ ,” he says, resolute and a little disturbed. “No amount of sterilization would ever be enough.”

A lovely trill of bright laughter bubbles out of her. She smiles at Kurt impishly, and he finds himself grinning back, feeling so much lighter than before. Right now everything – the loss and the stress and the doubt – all feels somewhat manageable.

“I know what we need. Let’s go watch _Funny Girl_ and cuddle,” Rachel suggests.

He allows her to drag him off, still half-dressed in his work clothes.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt wonders if it’s strange that he keeps finding himself caught up in big musical numbers with his boss. It just happens naturally, at least twice a week – but this time is the most outrageous by far.

It started when Isabelle and Kurt – just five minutes before everyone else in the office went home for the day – stumbled upon a sort of mutual epiphany about a whole new angle for an article on sheer fabrics. Kurt offered to stay late to help Isabelle print off new sample looks and compile them in presentation folders for tomorrow’s staff meeting. While they were standing together in the copy room an hour later, waiting for the printer to spit out fifteen copies of every new sample look they found, Isabelle mentioned an upcoming dinner date with a handsome man – an old high school friend from Columbus. Kurt immediately offered to help style her for the occasion, suggesting that for her hair they should go with more relaxed, sexy, tousled curls a la Madonna circa 1998, like she had in her _Ray of Light_ music video…

And that’s how they naturally got to this point – dancing wildly around the cramped copy room, alternating between running their hands over their bodies and waving their arms in the air, all while belting out _Ray of Light_ at the top of their lungs.

“ _Quicker than a ray of light then gone, for someone else will be there through the endless years-ohhh-ohhh-ohhhhh-ohhhhhh_ —” Kurt sings, dragging out the ‘oh’s and almost moaning them, losing himself completely.

“ _She's got herself a universe, she's got herself a universe, she's got herself a universe_ ,” Isabelle sings, high and lovely, but with an edge in her voice that Kurt hasn’t heard until now.

He grins at her then shuts his eyes, rubs his hands across his thighs and sways as he continues, “ _And I feel, and I feel, and I feel like I just got_ —”

Kurt cuts off his singing abruptly when he steps back and collides into something. He spins around and finds himself face-to-face with Chase. It takes a lot of effort to not sputter, but he successfully holds his tongue. He can’t do anything to hold back his blush, however.

“Caught?” Chase cheekily suggests as the final word of Kurt’s incomplete line of lyrics.

“Very cute, Chase,” Isabelle huffs, straightening her blouse and composing herself. “I thought you left already.”

“I did, but when I got home I realized I left my keys on my desk and had to come back. Do you two always break into song when you’re alone?” Kurt and Isabelle both give him a look that makes him laugh and say, “Your secret is safe with me, I swear. If I _did_ say anything, I would just say that you two sounded fantastic, and looked even better.” For a moment his eyes drift over Kurt’s thighs, tracing the path Kurt’s hands had been making. Then his gaze snaps to Isabelle’s face. “But I won’t say that. Or anything else. My lips are sealed.”

“Thank you,” Isabelle sighs.

“So, boss,” Chase says, smirking playfully at her. “Now that you have two of your loyal subjects present instead of just one, are you going to invoke your power to retire for the evening and leave us to finish the grunt work?”

Isabelle is a smart woman, and she’s been around quite a bit – as Kurt well knows from their many private discussions that probably all crossed the line of professionalism. She blinks at Chase, appraises him, then looks at Kurt, who has been silent and blushing ever since Chase made his presence known. Kurt knows from the look on her face that she’s picked up on the subtext in Chase’s joke, and Kurt can tell that she’s making assumptions about his intentions. Honestly, Kurt is beginning to wonder about Chase’s intentions too.

“Well, you’re obviously offering to take my place,” she says slowly, calling him out. “But I won’t leave unless Kurt would rather have your help binding these pages for tomorrow.”

“Um,” Kurt supplies eloquently. “I don’t really know enough about Chase’s binding skills to make that call…”

Isabelle nods, understanding what he’s really saying. Kurt thinks Chase is great, but he doesn’t know him very well yet, and he’s not sure he wants to be left alone in the building with him at night. It would be nice to get to know him a little better, though, he thinks.

“How about this,” Isabelle says, directing a piercing stare at Chase. “I’ll be in my office, composing a few emails I didn’t get a chance to do earlier. You two finish up in here.” She pointedly shifts her gaze to Kurt and enunciates clearly, “I’ll be right down the hall if you need anything.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Kurt mutters, smiling at her gratefully.

“Will do, boss,” Chase declares, grinning at her as she walks past him on her way out. Once she’s gone, he turns the full beam of his broad, white smile on Kurt. “I meant what I said about you two sounding fantastic.”

“Of course you did, we’re fabulous together,” Kurt replies airily, turning away from him to scoop up the finished pages out of the printer tray.

When Chase speaks again, his voice is lower and quietly emphatic. “To be more specific: Isabelle was good, and you were… breathtaking.”

A small shiver runs through Kurt’s body. He ignores it and spins back around to look at Chase, keeping his face guardedly neutral.

“You’re breaking a rule right now, you know,” he informs Chase.

Chase’s smile dims slightly, as though he’s disconcerted about being unable to read Kurt’s masked mood. “Am I?” he asks carefully.

Kurt nods solemnly. “If you’re here after hours, you have to sing. It’s a rule.”

Instantly, Chase’s smile is at full blast again. “Is that so?”

“It is,” Kurt insists, allowing himself to smile back.

Chase doesn’t miss a beat, immediately launching into a song.

Kurt’s eyebrows shoot up as high as they’ll go and his jaw slackens a bit as Chase sings, “ _What would you think if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song, and I’ll try not to sing out of key._ ”

His voice is clear and gorgeous and perfectly pitched.

“ _Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends_ ,” Kurt finds himself singing along without a thought, bright and beaming. Then he interrupts their unexpected duet by blurting out, “Why the hell aren’t you on Broadway with a voice like that?”

Chase shrugs. “I could ask you the same question.”

“Someday I plan to be,” Kurt tells him, unsure why he feels compelled to share something as personal as his delayed Broadway dream. “NYADA just… wasn’t ready for my particular brand of boldness.”

“Their loss,” Chase says. It’s clear he means it.

Between the compliment and the intensity of Chase’s stare, Kurt begins to lose hope that his flushed cheeks will cool down any time soon. He walks past Chase to a small table and clears a space by pushing aside a hole-punch and a stapler. Working in unison, they silently begin to organize the printed materials into fifteen identical stacks.

“So, you like the Beatles then?” Kurt asks after awhile, unable to get Chase’s singing out of his head.

“Some of their songs. You?”

Kurt thinks of his mother and his father singing duets in the car, of his father in the hospital, of a sweet little songbird. “Their music shaped a lot of important moments in my life. They mean a lot to me.”

Chase looks at him sideways and bumps their shoulders together companionably. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but aren’t you a little young to be a diehard fan of theirs?”

“Oh, _please_ ,” Kurt scoffs. “I’m not _that_ much younger than you. And I happen to have exquisite taste in music that spans many genres and decades.”

“I guess that explains your interest in Madonna songs.”

“It’s true, she’s amazing in any era,” Kurt says wisely, bumping Chase’s shoulder in return. “It was nice of you to offer to help with this. You really didn’t have to.”

“Well, I didn’t have anything else going on tonight. And I had a lot of fun the last time I got to hang out with you. You’re endlessly fascinating, Kurt Hummel – even when we’re just standing around sorting copies.”

Chase’s fingers brush against Kurt’s wrist when he reaches across to pick up a copy of a sheer dress photograph. The thrill of the contact runs up Kurt’s whole arm like an electric current. Kurt’s pretty certain Chase did it deliberately.

“Can I ask you something?” Kurt begins tentatively. The question threatens to bring up memories of Blaine, so Kurt rushes on, “Why have you gone out of your way to be so nice to me? It’s not a secret ploy to get dirt on me and get me fired, is it?”

“Absolutely not,” Chase laughs. “That said, you’re smart to be suspicious. This is a cutthroat industry. You should always question the motives of every person you meet. But I’m pretty sure you already know what mine are.”

Kurt stops shuffling through copies and turns to stare at Chase. “Do I?”

“You do if you’ve been paying attention,” Chase responds, mirroring Kurt by dropping the sheets he’s holding and turning to look directly at him. “And I know you have been. You’re sharp. And you’re a lot less naïve than people assume when they first get a look at that angelic face.”

Chase is completely right, of course. Kurt isn’t dull-witted or innocent. He’s felt vibes of possible interest from Chase right from the start – but he ignored it for as long as he could, because they’re coworkers and he’s unavailable, and that is nothing but a recipe for awkward tension around the office. Not to mention how steadfast Kurt is in his effort to never make assumptions about people’s feelings for him. He learned that lesson the hard way in the early days of his friendship with Blaine.

Now that Chase has acknowledged the attraction, Kurt needs to address it. He just isn’t exactly sure how to do that.

“Chase, you know I’m dealing with relationship issues right now,” Kurt says slowly.

“Yes, I do. And the last thing I wanna do is pressure you. If it works out for you and Cutest Guy, then I’ll back off, and be happy for you, and just be your friend. But if it doesn’t work out – well, you can’t blame me for wanting to submit myself for consideration… for that point in the future when you might be ready to give someone else a shot.”

Kurt looks at Chase sharply, deliberating.

“So… if I ran off and got married tomorrow and told you there was no chance of us _ever_ having sex, you’d still want to be my friend and help me do boring work projects?”

“Yes,” Chase replies seriously, reaching out to touch the hand Kurt has resting on the table. “I would definitely still be your friend.”

There’s no way for Kurt to be certain that’s the truth, but it makes him relax a little anyway. He pulls his hand away, rests both hands on his hips.

“Good answer,” he says, tilting up his chin a little, feeling slightly more in control of the situation now. “Sadly, however, I simply can _not_ be your friend if you keep breaking the after hours singing rule.”

“Not into bad boys, huh?”

“Nope. So don’t think you can get away with only singing _one verse_ of a song just because the song choice was perfect.”

Chase snorts and bites his lip, like Kurt is the cutest thing he’s ever seen. “Alright. What do you want me to sing?”

“Sing me something you think I’ve never heard before,” Kurt dares him, raising a goading eyebrow. “Impress me.”

“Ah, but my dancing is _much_ more impressive than my singing,” Chase says. He holds out a hand to Kurt in invitation. “Care to assist me in dazzling you?”

Kurt laughs, the sound breathier and higher than it should be. “I said ‘impress me’ not ‘embarrass me with your ill-timed attempt at romance’,” he sasses.

“Hey, friends dance together all the time,” Chase retorts lightly. “Just a little spin around the copy room without any touching below the waist – what could be friendlier than that?”

Chase gives Kurt that charming smirk – the one he gave Kurt last week, when he challenged Kurt to help him choose an outfit. Unsurprisingly, the effect it has on Kurt is exactly the same now as it was then. It flips a switch inside him. He feels powerful and playful and open to a new experience. He feels like nothing Chase does right now could possibly fluster him or catch him off guard.

Then Chase waggles his eyebrows teasingly, and that does it. Kurt’s up for the game Chase wants to play.

Just like before, Kurt makes a point of rolling his eyes dramatically.

“You’re ridiculous. Luckily for you, I’m accustomed to associating with ridiculous people.” He steps into the center of the room, holding his arms up in a rigid dance frame with practiced ease. “Ready when you are, Madison. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Kurt isn’t sure what to expect regarding how Chase might approach the challenge. Maybe Chase will swing dance him to a hip hop number, or ludicrously tango him to an Italian aria. What he certainly _doesn’t_ expect is for Chase to respect the classical waltz stance Kurt is holding himself in – but that’s exactly what happens.

Chase approaches Kurt slowly and leaves an appropriate amount of space between them. He stands still for a beat, just watching Kurt with care, like he’s trying to determine Kurt’s reaction to their proximity. When Kurt initiates contact by resting a hand on Chase’s upper arm, Chase smiles. It’s a different kind of smile than Kurt’s seen on him before, though – warm and understated and openly affectionate.

“ _Oh, you've got green eyes. Oh, you've got blue eyes. Oh, you've got grey eyes,_ ” Chase begins to sing, as one hand comes to rest on Kurt’s lower back, the other rising to grip Kurt’s raised hand, gently guiding him into a sensual waltz. “ _Oh, you've got green eyes. Oh, you've got blue eyes. Oh, you've got grey eyes,_ ” he repeats, more emphatic this time, his voice certain and wondrous as it slowly shifts through the melody. Just as certain and wondrous as his firm hold on Kurt’s body as they shift through the steps. “ _And I've never seen anyone quite like you before. No, I've never met anyone quite like you before._ ”

“Is this a real song or are you just making this up as you go along?” Kurt asks breathlessly as Chase sweeps him past the enormous shredding machine. “That would be cheating, you know.”

Perhaps Kurt was wrong about his immunity to becoming flustered at this point. He’s losing the game badly. But maybe that’s okay, because he’s beginning to think Chase isn’t playing a game after all.

Chase doesn’t answer him, doesn’t stop. He just pulls Kurt in a little closer and keeps singing, “ _Heaven, a gateway, a hope just like a feeling I need, it's no joke. And though it hurts me to see you this way, betrayed by words I'd never heard, too hard to say._ ” He looks at Kurt a little sadly, but then he’s smiling and carrying on. “ _Up, down._ ” His hand strokes a gentle path up and down Kurt’s spine. “ _Turn around._ ” He spins Kurt out before reeling him back in a little closer. “ _Please don't let me hit the ground._ ” He suddenly dips Kurt low, easily supporting his weight just a couple feet off the ground, and he grins a little more broadly when he hears the way it makes Kurt gasp. “ _Tonight I think I'll walk alone. I'll find my soul as I go home..._ ”

The song continues, but Kurt begins to lose the thread of the lyrics. Chase’s voice is sweeping through him, warm breath is gusting over his face, and everything is just so close and so _soon_ and so heady with confusing emotion. The lyrics about eye color eventually repeat again, and Kurt’s breath hitches audibly, because Chase is staring so intently into Kurt’s eyes as he sings about them, like he really is marveling at the mysteriousness of their pigmentation.

“ _Bolts from above hurt the people down below. People in this world, we have no place to go. Oh, it's the last time. Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before. Oh no, I've never met anyone quite like you before,_ ” Chase concludes, spinning Kurt away from him once again and then pulling him back, closer than ever, pressing their chests together.

This is a moment, Kurt thinks. The way they breathe together and look at each other, so close, with all of Chase’s feelings and intentions laid bare in the most stunningly beautiful way.

“That was… definitely a song I’d never heard before.” Kurt murmurs, making no move to pull away. He’s reeling. “What song was it?”

“ _Temptation_ ,” Chase breathes out softly.

“Huh?” Kurt asks, his stomach swooping just a little bit.

“That’s the name of the song.”

“Oh. Right.” _How fitting_ , Kurt just barely stops himself from saying. He blinks a few times, tries to clear his head. Finally, he summons the will to drop his arms and step out of Chase’s hold. “We should, um… we should finish this work so you can head out. Find your soul on your way home, or… whatever the words were.”

“Right, of course,” Chase says. He doesn’t look disappointed or discouraged. He seems calm and accepting, like he’s done what he set out to do and is happy to leave the next move up to Kurt, even if the next move never comes.

They spend the next twenty minutes getting all of the materials bound in their presentation folders. When they’re finished, Kurt stacks the folders and gathers them up in his arms.

“I’ll go drop these off with Isabelle. Thanks again. For lending your binding expertise.”

“Any time. And thank _you_. For the dance and the good company.”

If Kurt were flirting, he would come back with an ‘ _Any time’_ in return. But he isn’t flirting. He _isn’t_ , he tells himself sternly. They’re friends. And, sure, Kurt’s gotten caught up in the moment with Chase a few times now, but the last thing he wants to do is get in over his head with another guy. So it would be wrong of Kurt to say anything that might encourage Chase to advance his pursuit, Kurt reminds himself. Especially since Blaine is still waiting for Kurt’s answer about the fate of their relationship…

“Goodnight, Chase,” is all Kurt says, offering him a small, polite smile before walking away.

~~~~~

Later that night Kurt touches himself, slow and tentative, just ghosting his fingers over the front of his underwear to begin with.

He’s very careful not to picture any faces. He only imagines hot breath against his face, a steady hand pressing into his lower back, guiding him, and a low voice singing sweetly about how special he is. After being deprived for so long, that’s all it takes. He grinds his hand down, thrusts up into it a few times, and comes hard, turning his head to bite into his pillow.

Afterward, he tries not to think about what it means. He only lets himself focus on the little lingering sparks of pleasure, the heaviness of his limbs, and the immense feeling of relief. Brimming with a bone-deep satisfaction and that overwhelms any trace of guilt, he quickly drifts off to sleep.

He dreams about trying on studded leather belts in a shop on Madison Avenue. Kurt knows he’s lying to himself the next morning when he pretends not to know the meaning of the dream.

~~~~~

“I notice you’re taking longer showers again. And your skin’s healthy glow has returned,” Rachel comments innocently, grabbing another handful of popcorn out of the bowl in Kurt’s lap. “Groove back?”

Kurt almost chokes on his bite of popcorn. He swallows with some difficulty and clears his throat. “Not… completely. It’s not really the same as it was before. But at least it’s, um… better than it was earlier this week. Much better.”

“Excellent,” she says approvingly, nodding.

“Now that my sad little dry spell is over, it’s probably best if we never discuss our masturbatory habits ever again.”

She smirks at him unabashedly. “Noted.”

They’re cuddled up under a blanket on the couch, marathoning spectacularly terrible reality television. It’s Saturday – the day Blaine was originally scheduled to arrive in town, before he cheated and felt ashamed and bumped up his trip. Rachel has taken it upon herself to spend the entire day making sure Kurt doesn’t think about it.

Really, though, it’s the only thing on his mind. He feels confused, adrift – but, at the same time, he feels like the walls are closing in on him. It’s like a pressure building, bearing down on him, telling him it’s time to act.

“Rachel,” he says, rolling his head against the back of the couch, turning it to look at her directly instead of half-watching the television. “What you said about your thought process back when you were first getting to know Brody… how he made you realize there are possibilities besides Finn… and how he wasn’t the reason you broke up with Finn, because your relationship was practically over already, but he helped you feel like you might be able to move on…”

Rachel looks at him quizzically, waiting for him to continue. When he doesn’t, she prompts him. “Yes, what about it?”

He chews on his lip for a minute, considering. “I think… I know exactly what you were talking about. That feeling.”

Her mouth drops open and she jolts in her seat, lunging to grab at his arm and nearly sending the popcorn flying. “Oh my god,” she gasps. “Who is he?”

“A guy at work. His name’s Chase, and he’s… well, he kind of has a lot of the qualities I saw in Blaine the day I met him and fell for him. Amazing smile, gorgeous voice, nice grooming, poise, charm—”

“Wow,” Rachel laughs. “You’re a little bit smitten, aren’t you?”

“ _No_ ,” Kurt denies. “I’m just… charmed. He’s charming.”

“So you said,” Rachel trills.

Kurt narrows his eyes. She’s enjoying this development far too much for his liking. But, admittedly, no more than Kurt had enjoyed meeting Brody the night he showed up at their apartment unannounced.

“Go on,” Rachel demands, prodding her bony little fingers into the tender crook of his elbow and poking her tongue out between her teeth.

“Well. He’s a bit older than us, which I don’t really mind, and he’s obviously more experienced, and maybe a little too slick for his own good sometimes, but… he’s been _really_ sweet to me.”

“And he’s interested? Did he say he was?”

“Yes, but I’m… there’s no way I’m going to… _act_ on anything. With him or anyone else. Not while I’m still so wrapped up in my feelings for Blaine. But it’s… nice – like you said. Just knowing that a decent guy wants me, and could possibly be good for me. It’s like… for the first time since all of this happened, I can picture a mystery non-Blaine man in my future without wanting to curl up and _die_. So that’s something.”

She tilts her head and frowns a little. “You sound like you’ve reached the point I was at right before I went to Lima.”

He has. He knows that now. It’s time.

She rubs over his arm where she’d been poking it before and offers gently, “If you want to call Blaine, I can give you some space… take the rest of this popcorn down to the park for awhile—”

“No, you can stay. You’re going to hear all about it later anyway. No need to subject yourself to the neighborhood crazies.”

“Alright. I’ll just be in my room, then.” She presses a kiss to his forehead before wriggling out from under the blanket. “Good luck.”

~~~~~

It takes Kurt awhile to work up the nerve to call Blaine. Rachel has left him alone in the living room with his turbulent thoughts, and being alone with his thoughts hasn’t worked out very well for him recently.

He struggles with what to say to Blaine. He’s had two weeks to plan out what he should say, and he _still_ has no idea. How is that possible?

After rolling his cell phone between his palms at least a hundred times, he decides to just go for it, and hopes that the right words come to him when Blaine is on the line.

“ _Kurt. Hi,_ ” Blaine answers on the third ring, sounding out of breath. “ _I was beginning to think I might never hear from you again._ ”

“Can you talk now, or are you—?”

“ _I can talk. I wasn’t doing anything, really. Just had to run across the house when my phone started ringing, because I left it downstairs and I was up in my room reading some comics Sam loaned me,_ ” Blaine rambles nervously.

“Oh. That was nice of Sam.”

Kurt tries not to think about how Sam hasn’t called him since he moved to New York. They used to talk all the time, living in the same house, and now they don’t talk at all. Blaine, on the other hand, could barely tolerate Sam when they first met, yet now they’re running the student counsel together, sharing comics with each other, and Sam will probably be taking Blaine’s side in this mess and commiserating with him and – _no_ , Kurt tells himself, he can’t dwell on that. He can’t get territorial about his Ohio friends. He can’t get upset about how much they’re probably sympathizing with Blaine, just because he’s the one who’s there, right in front of them, in pain every day.

“ _It’s so good to hear your voice again. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed_ everything _about you._ ”

“I miss you, too,” Kurt admits, because he really does. It’s been awful, feeling so conflicted over it, longing to be near Blaine while knowing it would hurt to look at him. Even now, just hearing his voice is almost too much for Kurt.

“ _There are no words for how sorry I am,_ ” Blaine says, sounding more agonized than Kurt has ever heard him. “ _I am so, so sor—_ ”

“I didn’t call to hear you apologize some more,” Kurt cuts him off. “It won’t help. I understand that you regret what you did. Message received. It just doesn’t change anything.”

“ _I get that. I do. I just… don’t know what else to say. I need to fix this. Please tell me how to fix this._ ”

“I don’t know, Blaine. I don’t think you can. I don’t think _either_ of us can while we’re still so far apart.”

“ _But I have to. I’ll do_ anything _, whatever you need me to do, just tell me and I’ll do it._ ”

“I’m not going to make any demands,” Kurt says, his voice becoming more strained by the second. “I know that you sort of have a hero complex – I’ve known that since the day we met, and it’s part of what made me fall in love with you – but you can’t… we’re not in a Greek myth, okay, I’m not going to list a series of trials for you to overcome in order to… win me back, or—”

“ _That’s not – Kurt, you know I didn’t mean it like that. This isn’t a game to me._ ”

“Well, it certainly isn’t _real life_ to you, either,” Kurt snaps, his emotions wildly vacillating between grief and frustration. “You don’t see this as the reality in which I suddenly have an overwhelming amount of work and responsibilities, and a crowd of ruthless coworkers breathing down my neck just waiting for me to screw this up, because most of them think I got too far too fast without really proving my qualifications, and at least half of them want to see me replaced with one of the _thousands_ of other people who would _kill_ for this opportunity. I can’t always answer personal calls when I want to, and I can’t always mess around on Skype when I finally get home at night and my roommate is just on the other side of a hanging sheet, and I just…” He sighs, feeling drained all of a sudden. He didn’t mean to allow himself to get so heated about it. “Look, we knew this would be hard, Blaine,” he says, as calmly as he can. “I assumed this is the kind of stuff you were promising to faithfully cope with when you sent me on my way.”

“ _That_ is _what I was promising. But I never expected it to be so…_ ” Blaine struggles for words and Kurt lets him gather his thoughts. Eventually, he continues, “ _When I did what I did, I was in a really dark place – worse than I ever thought I could be – and I wasn’t prepared for it, because I didn’t… when we made those promises, I didn’t realize that you would suddenly become a grownup and I would still be a kid. I’m a_ world _away from you now, Kurt. I’m focusing on trivial crap like Glee Club drama and lunchroom politics, while you’re off meeting really important people and doing really big things, and it made me start to feel like… like maybe a year from now you’d be a whole new adult person, and I’d never be able to catch up to you or fit in with your new life or… I don’t know. I just freaked out. And I messed up. I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life._ ”

Kurt listens attentively, tries to absorb it, tries _desperately_ to understand. In his head he hears the audio of that video Tina sent him, hears Blaine crying out the words to _Criminal_. It makes him ache, because none of Blaine’s words are fixing anything, no matter how much he’d like them to.

“Was that the ‘good defense’ you were singing about needing?” Kurt asks as a sick, sour feeling begins to settle in his stomach.

“ _No_ ,” Blaine says tremulously. “ _I know there’s no defense. I just wanted to try to explain, but I’m not saying there’s an excuse. And I shouldn’t have… that night in the park, I shouldn’t have made it sound like I thought it was your fault as much as mine. It was about me and my issues. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were… making me feel like you weren’t very interested in my life anymore, but you didn’t mean to do that, and I should’ve just been open with you about it. With hindsight, that’s_ obviously _what I should’ve done. If I could go back and—_ ”

“No hypotheticals, Blaine,” Kurt reminds him.

“ _You’re right, sorry. Wishing won’t change things._ ”

“No, it won’t.”

They fall silent for a minute, and it’s torturous. Kurt listens the harsh sound of Blaine’s breathing, and suspects Blaine is trying to keep himself from crying. That makes two of them.

“ _I need you to know…_ ” Blaine starts again haltingly. “ _I didn’t do what I did because I stopped loving you for even a second, or stopped thinking you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. So please don’t… don’t think that I thought that._ ”

“Okay,” Kurt breathes out. His eyes prickle, and he squeezes them shut. “Thank you for telling me that. It… helps a little, I think.”

“ _Good,_ ” Blaine replies. His voice is still weak, but there’s an undercurrent of hopefulness as he continues, apparently encouraged by Kurt’s somewhat positive response. “ _I want things to be better, and I’m aware that they can’t be better right away, but I think we could… work on it. Slowly, over time. Together._ ”

“Blaine… I appreciate what you’re saying. I really do,” Kurt says carefully, picking fretfully at a loose thread in the blanket over his lap. “But none of it negates the reason for my call. I wish it could, but… I still need to say what I called you to say.”

“ _Oh…_ ” Blaine rasps out. He sounds a little panicky, but all he says is: “ _Okay._ ”

Kurt takes a long breath and steels himself.

“First of all, I need to say that I shouldn’t have kept you waiting this long before calling. I made you think – and I made _myself_ think – that I was weighing a decision that could go either way. But that was just… denial. It was me wishing I could magically think of a way to press a reset button. But really I was just delaying the inevitable.”

“ _Kurt_ ,” Blaine utters his name like a supplication full of hushed distress.

Kurt waits a moment to see if Blaine has anything to add, but nothing else comes out. It was just Blaine trying to reach out to him, with no real way of reaching him. Kurt swallows roughly and pushes on.

“It’s been two weeks since you were here. If things had gone according to plan, today would’ve been the start of your first weekend visit.”

“ _I know_ ,” Blaine whispers. “ _I’ve been thinking about it all day._ ”

“Me too,” Kurt admits. “I was looking forward to it so much. It was like a lifeline for me, having today to think about when I got tired and frustrated. Before you came here… I had plans for us, Blaine. Right now Rachel would be out at a show for the evening, and we’d be here in the apartment, full of wine and chocolate.” Kurt pauses, blinks back the threat of tears, then forces himself to keep going, fighting past the growing lump in his throat. “You’d be in my bed right now, and my tongue would be exploring every single inch of your body, because I’ve missed it so much – the warmth of it and how it tastes and the way the muscles shift when I—”

“ _Kurt, please_ —” Blaine tries to interject, clearly wounded, but Kurt doesn’t let him.

“I’m not… I swear I’m not saying this stuff to punish you or taunt you or… I just want you to understand that today meant a lot to me. I’m _mourning_ the loss of today. And the loss of every other visit we would’ve had, and every bit of the shared future I always imagined. I’m dealing with the death of all those possibilities for us. And I keep thinking about all the days I spent looking forward to today, and how I got through those days just fine because I was one hundred percent bone-deep _certain_ that you were missing me just as much as I was missing you, and that we were both counting down the days until you could be here with me… where I thought you belonged—”

“ _It’s still where I want to belong, Kurt,_ ” Blaine cuts in, his words laced with barely restrained panic now. “ _I lost sight of things when I started to feel like I was losing you, and I flipped out because you promised that I_ wouldn’t _lose you, and I realized that if that wasn’t true then maybe we weren’t really meant for each other, but now I’m so certain, I’ve never been more certain that I’ll love you forever. No one else. You’re it for me,_ please, _Kurt, I—_ ”

“It’s not enough anymore, Blaine,” Kurt interrupts, stricken. He swipes angrily at the tears flowing freely over his cheeks now. “I love you, too, and I’ll ache every time I remember what we had, because… no one could touch it. Remember when I told you that? No one could touch what we had. Only us. Only one of us could break it, and you did. I know you didn’t mean to, but it’s all broken now, and I can’t see a way for it to get better… because if we can’t trust each other then there’s nothing. Just a few weeks of me living here made you do something I never thought you’d do, and there’s still a long way to go before your graduation, and it’s not going to magically get any easier, so… I can’t… I just can’t see it working, no matter how I try to rationalize or simplify the situation. Can you? Really, Blaine, can you tell me a _realistic_ way for us to rebuild all this messed up trust and communication while we’re hundreds of miles apart, busy with our own schedules?”

On the other end of the line, Blaine sniffles harshly, but says nothing. For the first time in their relationship, Kurt feels like an adult dealing with an upset kid. He understands now just how far apart they are, living in totally different eras of their lives. He understands, a little bit, how that must have made Blaine feel when he realized it.

“I didn’t think so,” Kurt sighs out despondently. “It’s just… not the right time for us anymore. Maybe… if you still want to come to New York after graduation, maybe we can… meet up and have a talk and… if we’re both single then and willing to try again… I don’t know. Maybe it’ll seem easier when we’re _both_ grownups.”

Kurt isn’t sure if he means what he’s saying, or if he’s just still a little in denial, not fully ready to let go. But he doesn’t regret saying it. It feels like the right thing to say.

“So… I guess that was everything I needed to tell you.” As soon as the words are out of Kurt’s mouth, he realizes there’s still one more thing he needs to get out. Now it’s his turn to take back the biggest promise he ever made to Blaine, because it doesn’t mean anything anymore. It’s been completely nullified. He inhales a shuddering breath, and then slowly, deliberately says what he vowed to never say. “Goodbye, Blaine.”

A choked sob on the other end of the line makes Kurt flinch. He knows the finality of his words has made this breakup real to Blaine on a whole new level, and he knows it must be killing Blaine to hear it as much as it kills him to say it. But he can’t take it back. Not for a very long time, at least.

“ _Goodbye, Kurt,_ ” Blaine murmurs croakily. “ _I love you_ so _much_.”

“Always,” Kurt whispers hoarsely before hanging up.

And that, sadly, is a declaration that Kurt knows he really means. The knowledge that his feelings for Blaine will never fully fade – no matter what happens – sits heavy on his mind as he collapses sideways onto the couch and allows himself one final breakdown.

~~~~~

“Rough weekend?” Chase asks as he takes up his usual position, leaning against the entryway of Kurt’s modest workspace.

Kurt glares at him halfheartedly. “Is that your way of saying I look like crap?”

“No, you look gorgeous as ever, I promise,” Chase assures him with a grin. “Just way too world-weary for a wunderkind in the big city. And maybe a little hungover.”

“Well, a painful breakup with your high school sweetheart followed by an epic binge of gourmet cheesecake muffins and cheap wine will do that to a person, I suppose,” Kurt says as offhandedly as possible, oversharing yet again. It’s becoming a bad habit around Chase. “Alas, no amount of face cream could’ve hidden it.”

“That sucks, I’m sorry,” Chase says, cringing sympathetically, just like he did the first day flowers arrived at the office. “Clean break, though, right? That’s almost always a better choice than staying in relationship limbo, not really knowing what to expect.”

“I hope so,” Kurt sighs. “Right now it’s just… hollow. Like I’ve lost something vital… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be dumping this on you.”

“Hey, I’m the one who brought it up,” Chase says, shrugging. “And, besides – I said I’d be a friend to you first and foremost, right?”

“I know, but… I don’t share my feelings with many people. For some reason I trust you enough to admit that I’m not okay, even though I should probably think it’s risky to expose my vulnerability to _anyone_ around here.”

Chase’s smile softens. “I’m really glad you do. Trust me, I mean. I’m glad you trust me at least a little.”

“Me too,” Kurt says, managing a small smile in return. “Thank you, again. For… everything, I guess. Mostly for caring.”

“Of course. And thank you for all your help around here. We make good allies, I think.”

“Yeah, we do,” Kurt agrees.

Chase checks his watch and sighs. “I’ve gotta head out for my follow-up with Gustav. See you at the meeting later?”

Kurt nods. Chase winks affably and turns on his heel to head out.

“Chase, wait,” Kurt calls out, compelled to say something else to him while he has the guts. Chase turns back around with his eyebrows raised questioningly, and Kurt forces himself to spit out, “I’m not… ready. Obviously. I won’t be ready for awhile, I don’t know how long, and I don’t want to lead you on, but… when I’m okay again… if you’re still interested by then, you can… ask me out. If you still want to by then, whenever I’m—”

“Kurt,” Chase says, taking a step forward. There’s a slack, awed expression on his handsomely chiseled face. “I’ll still want to. There’s no question about that. I’ll be interested when you’re okay again. So just… let me know. Whenever that is. No pressure, I promise. No rush.”

“Okay,” Kurt breathes out. “I’ll, um… talk to you later.”

“Later,” Chase echoes, and it sounds like a promise of something bigger than just chatting in the conference room after today’s staff meeting ends.

Kurt still isn’t sure if he can really believe Chase – but he _wants_ to believe him. Maybe Chase will get bored or frustrated by Kurt’s lack of romantic attention, and go after some other guy instead. If Kurt couldn’t keep Blaine from doing it, how can he keep someone he barely knows from doing it? And he knows he’d have no right to be upset if Chase loses interest, because Kurt hasn’t offered him anything at all. There’s no commitment here.

But later, gazing out a window, soaking in the view of bright sunlight gleaming against the Manhattan buildings, Kurt ignores his doubts for a little while. He allows himself to imagine Chase coming to him, weeks or months from now, and asking him out after waiting for him. The thought makes a small, hopeful smile pull at the corners of his mouth.

He can’t help it, really. He’s always been a sucker for a guy who thinks he’s worth waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Songs:**  
>  Fiona Apple - "[Criminal](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI)"  
> Madonna - "[Ray of Light](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4tD8dy9Reg)"  
> The Beatles - "[A Little Help From My Friends](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1S-Lhu4gFQ)"  
> New Order - "[Temptation](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=w43uSMJntgw#!)"


End file.
